It's ok to eat fish, 'cause they don't have any feelings

I feel like a dying star.

No, not in the way I did in 2008, when I thought I would drown in my anger. It was a terrible time, full of darkness and depression and unquellable rage.

I'm depressed, but it's different. I'm not angry, I'm just uncomfortable. There's never enough money. The house is too messy. I haven't been able to resolve my student loan issues. I'm not situationally depressed, despite how it may sound. It's chemical. And...I can't tell you the last time I took my antidepressant. Why do I do that? I know it helps, but it doesn't help. I believe I finally understand the Bipolar medicine cycle. While I do achieve a better baseline, I don't feel like dancing. I want to feel like dancing.

                                           SSRIs are where it's at.

I think after many years it may be time to switch. I've taken Wellbutrin for a long time, and it's the one antidepressant where I didn't have any weird side effects. Sometimes I miss Prozac, but it gave me really vivid dreams, and I would wake up exhausted.

The problem with my depression is it's not hard to hide, even if I'm not trying. Most days, I think I'm a pleasant and funny person. I try to bring joy and laughter wherever I go. Even when I feel awful and listless, you probably wouldn't know, unless you spent 24 hours a day with me. But...I come home, and I sit here and stare at the computer and do nothing. For HOURS. Really, I can't tell you what I'm doing because I don't know. I just zone out. I'm not productive. I'm not engaged in hobbies or pursuits to better my life. I'm just a lump here.

I've gained a lot of weight in the last few years. I am afraid of what the number is in a way I've never considered before. I haven't weighed myself in months. I tried yesterday to bite the bullet, but the batteries in my Wiimotes were dead. I'm concerned because I'm at a point where everything hurts, and I feel self concious. My "fat" clothes are too tight. I feel out of control, and that just makes me more sad and sedentary.

For a girl who's never been skinny, I never had self-image issues. I've always joked that I have the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder-I'm convinced that I look way better than I actually do. Self confidence is attractive, and it's served me well.

Except now, I feel like a bridge too far.

I'm afraid I might die young.

I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm just going to keep gaining weight until I can't move at all, or I just burst.

Everything hurts on my body, from my feet to my head.

I don't know how I can pull myself back from this abyss.

I can't afford to go to therapy, because my mental health copay is ridiculous.

I'm out of control, and I have no concept of self-care anymore. I don't even remember how to take care of myself.

I'm a magical thinker. I want miracles and white knights and financial windfalls. I don't like it when things are difficult. I've had to work hard for everything in my life, and I feel like I'm out of fight.

But I'm not a quitter.

I don't want to die.

I want to get my life under control and find ways to make it manageable.

I have to.